Week 6 Peer Review

Skylar: “Parties and Pine Trees” was a very good post. The amount of detail in your writing is really great, since it always helps paint a picture in the reader’s mind. I felt myself walking through the house as I read that post, and saw the things that you were writing. It was also neat how you built up the situation from the beginning and didn’t just jump into the drama from the very beginning. I do wish maybe the part about the actual fire happening was longer though, just to make it seem like a little bigger of a deal. Exaggerating and exemplifying certain details in a story can really bring it to life, and you definitely have the potential to do that.

Matthew:

A really liked a lot of the aspects of “Thunder in Paradise.” First off, it was good that you gave some background on what it meant to be a local and a tourist in Hawaii, since that ends up being a major factor in the story. I also liked how you made it seem like everything was happening in slow motion, even though in real life I’m sure it all happened very quickly. By slowing down and taking time to explain the situation it makes it seem more real. I really liked the ending as well, grabbing a beer after a stressful situation makes it seem a little more relaxed and lighthearted of a story. Throughout the post, there were just a couple details I thought were maybe unnecessary, but other than that it all played out together really well.

Chelsee:

I like the fact that in your posts you write about your family. They’re obviously very close to you heart, and it really comes through in your writing. Your post this week was written very clear and straightforward, which is a good thing when trying to get main points across. I like the fact that you started out with a quote about anger, and ended with a picture and warm closing note about your brother. I would have like to see a little more analysis of the situation though. Instead of just stating what happened, it would have been cool to see you asses and go into more detail about your feelings. Just taking it to the next level could have really enhanced the story, but it was still a very enjoyable read.

Matrimonial Massacre

I’m wearing a hideous dress. Three other women are standing next to me, wearing the same hideous dress. But the only thing that matters is the woman in the center, wearing the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen. My best friend was getting married, and I couldn’t stop smiling. Ever since she entered the room, and all of the guests turned around in their seats to watch, that smile hadn’t left her face. And well, smiling tends to be contagious. Especially at an event as special as this.

I was looking right at her when it happened. That smile, that smile that had been there since the moment she entered the room, that smile that had taken everybody’s heart by storm.. that smile? That smile slowly was disappearing off her face. And that’s when I realized, that the entire time, that beautiful smile was fake. The priest was talking but I could tell she wasn’t listening. Her eyes were terrified, her face was stiff, and faking the panic for happiness was getting harder and harder to do. I’ll never forget what happened next: she took one last long and hollowing look at him, one fleet of a glance, directly in my eyes, as if to say “I just can’t do it, and I know you understand why,” and bolted.

 I knew it only took her a few seconds to exit the church, but it might as well have been hours. The train of her dress was dragging behind her, her veil was blowing back behind her head, the bouquet she was holding was long gone back at the altar, and her groom was wearing the saddest look I’ve ever seen. No one had time to react, no one had time to stop her, no one even had time to chase after her. All of a sudden that long moment, between the altar and the church doors, was over. And all that was left were hundreds of frantic guests in pews, a few confused bridesmaids, and a brokenhearted groom. I had just witnessed a breaking of an era, a failed attempt at marriage, and the breaking of two hearts no longer in the same place. And it all just started with a smile and a few hideous dresses.

The All-American Picnic

The sizzling sound of a ground beef patty as it hits the grill on a sunny Saturday afternoon: this is a surefire sign you’re at an all-American backyard barbeque cookout. There’s fresh cut watermelon to keep kids and adults alike satisfied until the main course of hamburgers and hot dogs can sit in our bellies. The neighbors brought potato salad; Aunt Alison made her famous vegetable medley. And of course everybody’s favorite guilty pleasure of potato chips and onion dip. Throw in some Bud Light and the radio baseball commentary and you really can’t get more American than that.

Let’s observe Dad at the grill: he’s got his favorite “Kiss the Cook” apron, a spatula of gigantic proportions, and the meat set up in an organized and thought out manner. He takes a poll: who wants American cheese on their burger? Who wants cheddar? And who just wants it plain? How many people would prefer a hot dog to a burger? And who’s gonna go all the way and have both? After getting everything in order, it’s time to get down to business. As he flips the burger, a beautiful smell fills the air, lifting everyone’s spirits in a way only a backyard barbeque can do.

When the food on the grille is finally done, the kids are the first to run and get their share. Jumping up and down for the first cheeseburgers and hot dogs, Dad gives them the special smaller ones, made just for them. With a few squeezes of a ketchup bottle and some diced veggies later, everyone’s sitting down at picnic tables enjoying their meals. Compliments from all to the chef, who’s finally settling down to enjoy his own work. Smiling, laughing, Mom wiping mustard off little Jessie’s face. Just when we all thought our stomachs couldn’t be any happier, we see it coming from inside the house: a warm apple pie, straight from the oven and into Mom’s hands. The smell fills our nostrils with happiness; happiness that can only come from a fresh and unexpected desert.

All of this plays into the comfort food of America, and I couldn’t be more comfortable if I tried.

Week 5 Peer Review

Skylar:

I liked the approach you took in “Water, Sun, and Solitude.” It was interesting how the piece itself was supposed to be generally focused on the beach and vacation aspect, but most of it takes place at the airport and on the plane. It was also good that you added a specific connection to another character, Nick, and explained that connection to the reader. “My Rock” was a very successful piece in the way that you made it extremely personal. You explained everything in such great detail that it made it easy for the reader to relate. The only suggestion I might make for your writing is to maybe take a little more risk; say something that the reader wouldn’t see coming to add an excitement factor.

Matthew:                                        

I think “A Double with Papa” is one of my favorite things you’ve written. It’s so obvious that the story came from so close to your heart, and it gives the reader an instant connection to you. I loved when you wrote, “For me, finding a connection with someone pouring their heart and soul out into words is the closest I will come to finding God in this lifetime.” I can completely relate, and it really drew me even more into the piece. The fact that you can analyze your thoughts into a work like this shows your talent in a whole new light. Whatever place you brought yourself to write this, you should go there more often.

Chelsee:

It was really neat to read about your passionate dream of going to Ireland. I could tell from reading your post that it’s something you really want to do, since you’ve already thought about all of the things you would do while there. I liked the fact that you lent examples of what you would eat and specific places you would go. I would have liked you to maybe have taken just a little bit of a different approach to this piece though; maybe just have arranged it so it was from your point of view when you were actually there, not just thinking about going. It would have seemed a little more real and vibrant to the reader. Still very good work though!

Open Water

I’ve never been in a situation like this. I can look out for miles in either direction, and never see any land. I can feel my feet on something hard below me, but it’s not solid ground. It’s just a piece of whatever this massive thing is made out of. How does it float? How can something so large take me away from civilization so fast? I don’t even think it’s that I feel lost. I think it’s that I miss walking on something I can trust not to wobble.

How different everyone reacts… I think it tells a lot about a person. Some relax and take advantage of this new and exciting world. A world where work doesn’t exist, just the opportunity to be one with the open sea. These are the people that take life as it comes at them without a look in the other direction. And then there’s the others. The one who have to rely on Dramamine to make it through the day. The ones who only see this as a mode of transportation, not an escape. These people do look in the other direction, and what they’re hoping to see is land. I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I don’t really like to define myself with extremities, I’m not close minded enough for that.

Such different reactions and such different people. There must be one common thing that unites us all, and it just might be a few decks below my feet.

The most fascinating thing about it is just to watch. The sea has the same effect as fire on people; it’s so simple, but in effect, it’s mesmerizing. These cold, white handlebars, these hardwood floors, these lifeboats attached to the sides. They’re really only accessories to what people really came to see. And luckily, I can see it for miles.

A Trip Never Taken

Buildings, tall buildings, taller buildings than I’d ever seen, and they’re all surrounding me. Buildings so tall they block the view of the sunlight, and the view anything that stands in their way. And the people, all the people, walking so swiftly they might as well run, never looking at one another, just looking at what’s ahead. I wish I knew where they were all going, why they were all in such a hurry, why they couldn’t stop to notice the majesty. I must have looked strange standing there, soaking it all in while others didn’t even stop long enough to get their feet wet.

My first bite of the Big Apple. I didn’t expect it to taste like this; handsome, harrowing, haunting. Who stood here before me? Were they lost and needing direction, or were they just admiring the fact that they found their way? How many stories have walked these streets, etching their words into the sidewalk like children do with chalk. And the chalk gets erased, by rain or by time, but that doesn’t mean the story wasn’t there. That doesn’t mean the sidewalk forgot. A collection of stories, that’s what this city is. A collection of fables.

I’ll play a game, I’ll walk a little brisker. I’ll see how many of these tall buildings I can pass, how many yellow taxis I can count, how many cell phones I hear ring. This is a place of opportunity and a place of adventure, and every single person I pass has their own reason for being here. And my reason? To feel the wind pass over my scarf and through my hair. To sit on a bench and let my mind wander. To take a subway and get off at an unknown stop. To lend a dollar to the street entertainer to my left. And above all? To find my own form of adventure.

Week 4 Peer Review

Skylar:

Your post “Cuffin’ the Hot Sauce” was really something (in a good way, though). It was great how strong you stood with your opinions and how you backed up your reasoning. It was also very brave of you to use personal examples from your own parents’ lives, and it really added something to the piece. One thing you might want to consider though it looking at the other side of the story a little bit more, so the readers know you’re not trying to discredit it. Your post “I Love My Dad” was your most creative yet in my opinion. I loved how you set it up; adding the lyrics in while the song is also supposed to be playing in the story. Great job on this one.

Matthew:

I really enjoyed your descriptions in “Somewhere in the Middle of Montana”. You gave very specific examples throughout the whole piece, and readers appreciate it when they can tell the story comes from an authentic place. The tone when you talk about your Grandmother is very sincere, and it really comes through. For this assignment though, there could have been a little bit more connection and reference to the song in the beginning. “Angelo: The Refuse Messiah” was a very creative piece. You hit the prompt dead on and nailed it. Also, the dialogue really added a lot to this piece, making it seem very unadulterated. It’s also apparent you did your research, it definitely comes through in the writing.

Chelsee:

Your post about meeting your biological father was really touching. You really connected the reader into how you felt about the situation and how all of the events took place. The pictures in the post also added a creative element to it. I did see a couple of type-o’s however, but nothing that can’t be fixed by a little proofreading. Your post on gun laws was a good choice of subject since it relates to recent events. Also you offer a good insight on the situation, you could have possibly took a little bit more of a creative approach versus opinion. It was still interesting to read though, which is always one of the main points.

Mariama:

“Princess Lover” was a very sincere and personal post. You did a great job at giving examples in the story that made it very special. I also liked how you weaved the lyrics into your writing, showing how they really connected to the story. I might suggest you just proofread your work a little more in the future though, for grammatical errors. In your “Newsworthy” post, it was great how you connected yourself to the incident. Saying where you were and how you reacted when the event occurred adds a new dimension to your writing. You mention your post that the shooter was an “atheist and smoked marijuana”. Although this could be a true fact, it might not be necessary to mention in your writing. Many other people are Atheists (and smoke marijuana) that wouldn’t ever commit a crime like this. It sort of sounds like stereotyping, even if you didn’t mean to. Good job overall this week, though!

And We'll Play Crack the Sky

We sent out the S.O.S. call.

When we thought we could run, it was more like a crawl.

And when I decided to get away from it all,

It was less like a crawl and more like a fall.

They call 'em rogues. They travel fast and alone.

You were a rogue, the way your eyes shone.

This conversation, its head has been blown.

And from the beginning, I should have known.

Four months at sea, four months of calm seas.

The tides were so low when they hit my knees.

Although it may seem I’m speaking of the sea,

The matter at hand is you and me.

This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,

What we’ve tried to end has become what we fear.

Somehow four months turned into a year.

And who would have guessed we’d still be standing here.

One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.

It was sure to be over, it was all along.

And as we both just tried to be strong,

All I can hear in my head is this song.

Looking for the Light at the End of the Tunnel

A fictional memoir from a Chilean miner who was a part of the 2010 Copiapó mining accident:

We’ve been counting the days. All of us putting a small mark on the tally in our head. It makes us think that with every day that passes, maybe we’re getting closer to getting out of here. That may or may not be true, but the positive attitude is what gets us through the day.

Sometimes during the day I get distracted enough to forget I’m trapped. I can fool myself into thinking it’s just a normal day at work. We break into groups, we are assigned tasks, and we work the day in the mines. But where we would normally break for lunch, or to go home for dinner, there’s nothing to eat. Rationed food every 48 hours just doesn’t compare. Especially not to my wife’s home cooked meals. That’s another thing that makes me remember I’m trapped. I sleep on a hot damp floor instead of in a peaceful house with my family.

I’ve never felt like this before. So dirty, so greasy, so thin, so unhealthy. I can’t tell if there’s permanent physical damage to my body, I can’t even tell what I look like. I wonder if my eyes will ever adjust to the sun again, or if I’ll have to lead a life of darkness. I wonder how long it’s even possible for us to survive down here. With the food we have it doesn’t seem like more than 70 days or so would be possible. But none of us have died so far. And I’m just going to tell myself that’s the way it will keep going.

This is a test most others won’t experience in their lifetime. And it’s not even as much a physical test, as it is a test of mental strength. Our main goal down here is to keep up the morale, because with that, we’ve lost everything. Urzúa told us the only thing a positive attitude can do is help us, and I’m sticking to that. I will keep images in my head of the things I love about life, and the things I will soon return to. I will be a part of not only a support system, but a family I have now become a part of. And I will tell myself, above all, that if I survive this, I can survive anything.

Week 3 Peer Review

Skylar:

I really enjoyed your posts this week! “Rationale Affected by Ego - An Autobiography of Nick Miller” was my favorite. You completely got into character of being someone else. The fact that you could abandon your previous writing style for another was very impressive. Also for that post, I like the fact that you added the thought dialogue by using italics. It makes the reader feel even more like they’re in Nick Miller’s brain. “Bumper Meets Knees” was also a very good post, I like the approach you took. You built the scene up with simple events until the very end, when you shock the reader with a terrifying event. At first the reader thinks it’s just about a simple afternoon, but the twist at the end really changes the vibes from the piece, in a good way.  

Matthew:

“The Autobiography of Jeremy V” was a really great post. It kept my attention the entire time, I was constantly guessing what was going to happen. Your description of Steve was humorous and spot-on; I could picture his movements and behavior in my head. “In My Youthful Kitchen” also displayed good writing, the beginning really set the mood for the rest of the post. I also really liked your use of dialogue to bring life to the story. Details through dialogue is one of my favorite ways as a reader to really get into a piece. You get very deep into your stories and always leave the reader satisfied, definitely keep up the good work!

Chelsee:

The post about your childhood kitchen was just adorable. The way you talked about Santa really puts the reader back to that time in your childhood. I also like the fact that in the autobiography post you took a little bit of a different approach than others by giving some factual information on your person. This was very helpful to understand the rest of the post. By adding more specific details though, you can really bring a lot of color to your work. The enthusiasm and idea content are all there, you just need a little more brightness to really make your work shine. Other than that, your topics are always interesting and heartfelt, which is a very enjoyable aspect of reading your work.

Mariama:

Your writing is very personal, and that’s an aspect of it you should never lose. When talking about how you didn’t have a kitchen growing up, I felt very connected to your story by the way you described it. It’s so interesting to see other people’s perspectives who have grown up differently than I have, and I know I’ll enjoy reading your work throughout the semester. One tip I might give you is to interpret your work a little more. Although the straight facts are still interesting, hearing more of your thoughts and emotions towards your subjects will bring your writing to a new level. Taking chances and being brave in writing is what makes it great sometimes; don’t be afraid to push boundaries and your writing will soar. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to say, but the honesty of saying exactly what’s on your mind would be really great for these posts.